And you had the audacity to complain about sitting in the corner.
Joshua’s done it again: After you’ve repeatedly told him not to roast his sister’s training bra over an open-pit fire in the guestroom, the weight of your words are ignored.
Mockery has become the boy’s watchword, and he’s just daring you to put him in timeout.
And this you shall do, but with an effective twist: Send him to timeout at a place where punishment comes in the form of complete abandonment in a chamber of hopelessness, despair and goat-broth dinners. (Other than that, orphanages seem like great places.)
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In life, you are either the diaper or the shit.
Given your child’s twitchy disposition and desire to build Lego kingdoms 24/7, it’s a pretty clear he’s going to get punched more often than cheap drywall in the men’s bathroom at a redneck bar on Saturday nights.
The kid needs protection.
The kid needs to learn ruthlessness.
The kid, well shit, the kid needs a pair of balls.
That’s why it’s a good idea to send your child to mafia training camp. [Click to continue...]
Watch, son. I sit here and people just hand over money. They call that respect where I'm from.
There was a time when people used to look at you with a mix of envy, awe and desire to make out in the bathroom at Big Willie’s Bar & Notary.
But you were younger and infinitely more ambitious then. Your life was a canvas framed in the gilded trappings of potential.
That’s the word people used about you—potential. “He has the potential to do big things that don’t involve wearing a smock or a hair net,” they’d say. But then, sometime in the past 15 years, they sort of stopped saying that about you.
Which means your career has either flat-lined or you’ve delayed the success that will inevitably come your way just as soon as you lose a limb or get violently maimed on the job and collect long-term disability.
Until that time, you have to lie to your children about how important you are, because every kid wants to brag on the playground about his parents’ success.
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Rule #55: Scare Away Your Children’s Friends
Rule #54: Demand Special Treatment For Your Child
Rule #53: Stunt Your Child’s Growth
Rule #52: Give Your Child False Hope
Rule #51: Ignore Swine Flu Warnings
Rule #50: Tell Your Child How She Was Conceived
Rule #49: Steal Your Kid’s Money
Rule #48: Never Change a Diaper
Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid
Rule #46: Exploit Your Kids for Useless Causes