The Rules of Parenting

Rule #85: Refuse to Sign Any of Your Child’s School Paperwork

Rule #84: Own Wild Animals As Pets

Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift

Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump

Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers

Rule #80: Ban All Forms of Acne Medication

Rule #79: Never Stop for Bathroom Breaks on Family Road Trips

Rule #78: Give Your Baby Plastic Surgery

Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn

Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

Rule #75: Arm Your Teen With Water Wings

Rule #74: Tell People Your Child Has Special Powers

Rule #73: Use Your Child as a Thermometer

Rule #72: Give Your Kid a Trophy For Everything

Rule #71: Fake Memory Loss

Rule #70: Register for Your Baby Shower at a Pawnshop

Rule #69: Transport Your Child in a Hamster Ball

Rule #68: Strippers, Feel Free to Enjoy “Take Your Child to Work Day”

Rule #67: Use Your Stroller as a Battering Ram

Rule #66: Ban Kids From Your Lawn

Rule #65: Put Your Kid in Timeout at an Orphanage

Rule #64: Send Your Kid to Mafia Training Camp

Rule #63: Lie to Your Child About How Important You Are

Rule #62: Tattoo Your Kids With Reckless Abandon

Rule #61: Discourage Most Forms of Reading

Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch

Rule #59: Vacation in a Third World Country

Rule #58: Admit Your Baby Isn’t Cute

Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Rule #56: Join Forces With the Monster Under the Bed

Rule #55: Scare Away Your Children’s Friends

Rule #54: Demand Special Treatment For Your Child

Rule #53: Stunt Your Child’s Growth

Rule #52: Give Your Child False Hope

Rule #51: Ignore Swine Flu Warnings

Rule #50: Tell Your Child How She Was Conceived

Rule #49: Steal Your Kid’s Money

Rule #48: Never Change a Diaper

Rule #47: Hire a Bully to Toughen Up Your Kid

Rule #46: Exploit Your Kids for Useless Causes

Rule #45: Rent Your Child’s Bedroom to Strangers

Rule #44: Become Your Kid’s Facebook Friend

Rule #43: Feed Your Child Garbage

Rule #42: Teach Your Son Slang for His Wang

Rule #41: Blame Your Kids for Everything

Rule #40: Keep Your Kid in a Helmet 24/7

Rule #39: Carry Your Baby in a Bag

Rule #38: Tell Your Kids the End Is Near

Rule #37: Don’t Let Anyone Touch Your Baby

Rule #36: Invent New Forms of Birth Control

Rule #35: Employ Sexy Displays of Public Affection

Rule #34: Arrange Your Teenager’s Dates

Rule #33: Use Your Child As Cheap Labor

Rule #32: Give Your Child an Inferiority Complex

Rule #31: Ignore Your Child’s Crying

Rule #30: Love Your Pets More Than Your Kids

Rule #29: Confuse Your Teen About Sex

Rule #28: Practice Random Nudity

Rule #27: Bribe Your Children With Sugar

Rule #26: Take Your Kids to Bars

Rule #25: Be a Breastfeeding Superhero

Rule #24: Crush Your Child’s Dreams Early

Rule #23: Use TV as a Babysitter

Rule #22: Dress Like Your Teenage Daughter

Rule #21: Throw Your Spouse Under the Bus

Rule #20: Use God to Make Your Kids Paranoid

Rule #19: Use Christmas to Show Your Children Which One You Love the Most

Rule #18: Harass Youth League Umpires

Rule #17: Scare Your Child Shitless About Germs

Rule #16: Put Your Child on a Supermodel Diet

Rule #15: Create Uncomfortable Thanksgiving Traditions

Rule #14: Use Your Child’s Birthday to Flaunt Your Cash

Rule #13: Hit on Your Kid’s Teacher

Rule #12: Screw Tradition When Naming Your Baby

Rule #11: Man-Boob Dads, Please Breastfeed Your Children

Rule #10: A Happy Child is a Child on a Leash

Rule #9: Boost Your Crappy Self Esteem Through Your Children

Rule #8: Bond With Your Kids Over Cigarettes and Alcohol

Rule #7: Make Sure Your Kid is Obnoxious

Rule #6: Cut Your Child’s Hair at Home

Rule #5: Make Up Stuff About History

Rule #4: Tell Your Child He Sucks

Rule #3: Teach Toddlers the Proper Names of Private Body Parts

Rule #2: Take Young Children to Funeral Homes

Rule #1: Get Wasted With Your Kids