Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch

How is your kid gonna survive on a diet like this? More cigarettes, please!

Remember those carefree days of your youth when long, semi-passionate drags on a Camel unfiltered cigarette during recess meant returning to the classroom with a slight buzz?

Those were such wonderfully innocent times—and so different from the overly watchful and “health-oriented” school systems most of our children are trapped in.

But smoking—particularly childhood puffing—is as American as tire slashing, random bullying and trespassing. So, when you’re packing little Monica’s boloney sandwich for lunch, slip her a little something extra (we’re thinking cool menthol) that will make her the idol of peers and the always cool custodial staff.

Nope, Monica Doesn’t Have Swine Flu…That’s Smoker’s Cough

Think about benefits of inserting a pack of smokes in your child’s lunch:

Relieves stress. Have you seen the “no child left behind” tests? They’re really challenging, like climbing four or five stairs in the morning. If Monica catches a smoke before and after testing, she’ll be more relaxed and, because of occasional bouts of emphysema, will miss more class days…which, naturally, translates to more missed tests and special treatment.

Serves as “trade bait” for highly coveted items. Every kid knows the custodial staff has cool stuff—for example, endangered bear claws, Danish cutlery and talcum powder—that kids want and need. A custodian’s one weakness? You got it: cigarettes. Your child can swap smokes for coveted items and learn the nuances of “bartering” and “crass exploitation.”

Tagged as: making sure your kid isn't fat, starving children for their own good