Leashing your child teaches tough concepts like "boundaries" and "humiliation."
There are many endearing similarities between your 4-year-old child and a basset hound. A quick comparison of child and dog will make this statement even more profoundly true:
They both are giddily slow-witted.
They both drool.
They both adorably invade the personal space of houseguests, making them queasy and uncomfortable.
And they both seem to relish the comforting aroma of their own filth and have a curiosity for the filth of others.
But all this cuteness has its limitation, because both tend to wander out of your sight in public. Which is why it’s important to have your children on colorful leashes from the time they’re old enough to walk. We live in a terribly scary world that brims with playgrounds, inviting oaks and maples to climb and, perhaps even more sinister, other unleashed children.
The sooner you instill a healthy fear of, well, everything in your child, the sooner he or she will become the neighborhood’s token panicky kid with the matted hair, scabby lips, and chronically sweaty palms. Every neighborhood needs one, so why not have it be your son or daughter?
It Takes a Village to Leash a Child…
You'll be the neighborhood trendsetter when you whip out your leash. (Note: jealous, unleashed kid in background)
While you’re obviously enlightened enough to leash your children, other parents won’t share your passion. But like a parent who’s introducing a new sport or tradition to a neighborhood or town, it’ll be up to you to make having a leashed child a treat for everyone and the neighborhood norm. Through enforcement of child leash laws (and heavy frowning toward the unleashed masses) in your area, you can show the world that a leashed child is a happy child. Fun activities for leashed children include:
“Chase the Vermin.”
Instead of a mindless game of tag, encourage your leased child to chase squirrels, chipmunks, and field mice up trees and into burrowing holes. This promotes quick movements and is completely safe, mostly because your child won’t be able to proceed up the tree or get soiled in a burrowing hole. Result? All of the fun, none of the danger. And no one gets lost!
“Heel Yeah!”
Kids absolutely love this one, because they get to imitate the family dog. When you have your leashed child in a public space, have him or her walk on your right, stop on a dime, and follow canine commands (rollover, sit, play dead, find the Milk Bone, scratch and sniff, etc.)
“Jump Leash.”
An infinitely more complicated version of jump rope, this game involves advanced skills, two participants, and longer (minimum 10 feet) leashes. With one leashed child standing off by himself as a support pole, his parent stands 20 feet away as the “leash swinger.” Now the fun begins: Your leashed child tries to jump the swinging leash without falling or getting humiliated by the finger-pointing, unleashed, lowlife children passing by.
Rule #85: Refuse to Sign Any of Your Child’s School Paperwork
Rule #84: Own Wild Animals As Pets
Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift
Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump
Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers
Rule #80: Ban All Forms of Acne Medication
Rule #79: Never Stop for Bathroom Breaks on Family Road Trips
Rule #78: Give Your Baby Plastic Surgery
Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn
Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
jump leash. omg. that’s priceless. now i wish i had a kid I could play with.
@Rachel: Just sneak into the park with a pair of scissors and snip one (a kid) free. They’ll be so shocked and directionless once they are off their leash that they’ll naturally follow you home like a stray cat hoping for some milk and tuna.
Hi—this site is awesome. I am laughing so hard. Having 5 children, I like it even more!
You left a comment on my blog about the “MySpace” pms box in my post….I found that on google images. It’s great…!!!!
Cheryl
http://dailyblonde.blogspot.com
OMG! I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard! The post title and accompanying photo are toooo much! I’ll have to show my toddler lol
As a child in England it was customary to use “reins” on a child. My mother bought me a set around the time of my baby shower. I just could not see an occasion to strap reins on my child. Much prefer hand holding.
@Mom on the Run: Hand holding? But, won’t you like, get your hand all sticky and dirty?
What a crock of crap!
Having your child on a harness (especially if you are a mother of multiples) can mean the difference between life and death.
Ever had twins before? I didn’t think so. Just imagine it, it’s a spring day and your two toddlers are walking holding your hands. All of the sudden they decide it would be fun to break free from your grip and take off in opposite directions.
A harness can prevent this from happening.
Not everyone has a perfect stepford child that’s on voice command.
Walk in someone else’s shoes before you judge.
Totally agree with the last post. I would much rather have my children on a harness for saftey reasons than worry about the opinions of other adults/parent who think that harnessing a child is some form of child abuse.
Hand holding is all well and good but for those of us with more than one child that needs to have their hand held what do you do when you need you hand free to say open a door. Or what do you do with the other child while you are putting one into their car seat let the other run around and enjoy all these so called wonders (and forget about the ever real dangers???)
This was not amusing at all. The attempt at comedy was a definite miss. I only tried a leash on my twins once and it didn’t work for us – hand holding worked fine, but this was … dumb.
I loved this article! I have seen many a time when there was a difficult child that refused to walk while holding a hand, refused a stroller and any other form of control that could help them. some toddlers are just too impulsive and tantrum throwing to just realize the danger and this is a big help to a mom that has more than one child to tend to while out.
I used one myself when I had my second child, he was just too sneaky, cried a lot and a major handful alltogether, even at 10 he hasnt changed.
Huh, my kids actually ask if they can wear their monkey backpacks (leashes) rather than ride in the stroller or cart. My kids must be seriously effed up from all that leash wearin’,
well, it just got pretty awkward on this comment thread…
I am intrigued how society has gone from a slap on the bum to keep your kids inline to treating your children like pets. But I suppose – if it works, go for it.
People – this is comedy! Everyone who feels the need to express their “outrage” are just the self-righteous, “I am the only one who knows the ‘right’ way to parent” people this website is making gentle fun of. A sense of humor and live and let live attitude about parenting may be something to consider. If a leash works for you, then be confident in your parenting decisions, if you are defensive, why?
I’m not upset about the article, I just think that where it tried to be ‘funny’, it wasn’t – at all. Other “articles” on this site are quite humorous, the man boobs one is great, this one, lame.
so, anya, things are funny to you if they don’t offend you personally, but if they do, there is no trace of humor? cherry pickaaaa
I grew up in Europe and leashes are normal. I used one on my now 14 year old son and now use it on my 3 year old daughter. I have been yelled at for using them and you know what? My kids are at home with me every night. So, yell all you want, I feel my kids are safe from psychos.
…I was one of those kids…..
…I wandered away a lot.
“Treating your kids like pets.” W…T…F? Seriously now. Do you really believe that?
I am also assuming that this is about not doing this to “normal” kids. Well, I happen to have a little boy with Autism and I have considered “leashing” him when I go out simply because if not holding a hand (which he does do occasionally, but not all the time) he will BOLT! Ever try to outrun a 5-year-old boy running full-bore, who has a head start on you? Ever have to do that while he’s heading straight for a busy street? Ever have a mental flash of your child flying through the air after getting hit by a Ford F150 going 30 MPH (which is fast enough to cause severe internal damage to a small child) and wondering if that is really going to happen as you grab for him seconds before he actually reaches the street? I DID! Thank God I caught up to him before he reached the curb!
Yeah, if I have to tether my child to me until I am confident he won’t pull crap like that again and possibly end up DEAD, screw you and your opinion. I’d rather have my son alive, thank you very much.
@Mom of twins: You’re right, voice command would work way better. Maybe even a shock collar? Pure genius.
@another MOM, @Anya, @boomer: Ewww. Holding their hands? They pick every hole they’ve got!
@Twinmama2: Yep, it sounds like they have a lifetime of severe confusion ahead of them. Start saving for that therapy bill.
@jason: Tell me about it! I wonder if it hurts to be wound up that tight.
@Mathew: The difference between spanking and leashing is that they can run away if you spank them. If they are leashed, they have to sit there and take it.
@Kristen: High five.
Okay, just laughed til I cried.
Thank you.
and thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. Leashers unite!
I just posted you to my profile on FB! I have some friends who will appreciate this blog I think.
I am 8 years older than my little brothers. My parents had leashes for them. When my parents would force me to take my brothers out to play with me, I would sneak the leashes out of the house and tie the little brats to a tree.
Ya know, it’s funny. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve seen them since that walk in the woods… oh crap. Mom’s gonna kill me.
@Kate: That’s a lot less depressing than crying till you laugh.
@SillyDad: At least you never got roped in to any more babysitting. (Do I have to pay a fine for using such a cheesy pun??)
Hey, “Mom of twins” : just for the record, I also had twins… and a kid 3 years younger… and another one less than 2 years later. Impossible without leashes? Uhhh – no. This article was quite amusing!! Thanks for the laughs.
My mom used these when we went to amusement parks sometimes, when I was much younger. Of course, I…really did wander away a lot. And while that’s okay-ish in smaller places, wandering away in Disneyland would have not been a good idea, probably. I think it was only age three or four, when I refused to go in the stroller without throwing a fit (until I got tired, of course) and would break away at the slightest shimmer of something more interesting than mom and dad.
One thing this article fails to address is the health benefits of a leashed child… I’m very tall, and in crowded areas. it’s not easy for a toddler to hold hands with out stretching his arm unnaturally far over his head, and I had to walk crooked over sideways. My 2yo ASKED to wear a leash to avoid that. My back approved.
@mom of twins: it’s called birth control