Get ready for people to marvel at your ingenuity if you give your kid a weird name.
You need to make a bold statement with your newborn baby’s name. And that statement, down to its very essence, should be that you don’t care all that much about your child’s future prospects for friends, dating, college admission, or avoiding public humiliation in general.
Really, you just want to show how undeniably hip you are. And there is no greater testament to your hipness than branding your child with an unconventional name.
So forget about baby-name books, genealogical web sites, and family almanacs—these are the tools of your neighbors and friends who name their kids Joshua, Laura, Brandon, and Ashley. Yes, these are yawningly predictable.
This is not you.
You are creative. You are original. You are a trendsetter. Indeed, you possess the type of baby-naming attitude that will put your kid on the map, and so will these ideas:
Name your kid after famous diseases.
Tired of hearing the names of presidents, actors, and athletes foisted on kids? Anyone can name his kid after someone famous. But only the truly original will think to bestow the names of infamous diseases and afflictions on their children. Imagine how cool your friends will think you are when you introduce them to little “Chlamydia Marie,” your chubby-cheeked pride and joy. And imagine the jealousy you’ll inspire when you tell folks back at the office, “I’ll never forget the day when my husband and I brought Scurvy home from the hospital. I’m still glowing.” And your neighbors will be wowed by your creativity when you call young Herpes in from playing with his friends (“Herpes, you can’t hide from me! I see you there!”)
(Expert tip: When selecting a disease namesake, you’ll want to steer clear of the mundane Lou Gehrig-type inflictions and instead opt for standouts like “Typhus,” “Jaundice,” and “Gonorrhea.”)
Choose a name from common household items.
If Gwyneth Paltrow and artsy-fartsy Chris Martin can name their child Apple, than so can you. But why stop there? Simply look around your house for inspiration. Want to get all classy? How about “Ottoman,” “Armoire,” or “Chandelier”? Or maybe you’re going for the earthy, organic-sounding moniker, in which case you might consider “Potpourri” or, one of our favorites, “Stain.”
If your newborn baby just kind of lies there unblinking and slothful, just name him “Doormat.” Soon enough, everyone else will...
Or, if you’re looking to convey your child’s future sense of reliability and sturdiness, consider “Desk,” Chair” or “Table.” These names conjure up images in the American psyche. They convey intangible virtues like “reliability” and “sturdiness” that will sure to be associated with your kid when he or she answers the roll call in elementary school and beyond.
If all else fails, just make something up.
It doesn’t even have to make sense. Or be pronounceable. And please be sure to teach your child to be offended when friends, schoolteachers and strangers fail to pronounce it on the first attempt.
Rule #85: Refuse to Sign Any of Your Child’s School Paperwork
Rule #84: Own Wild Animals As Pets
Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift
Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump
Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers
Rule #80: Ban All Forms of Acne Medication
Rule #79: Never Stop for Bathroom Breaks on Family Road Trips
Rule #78: Give Your Baby Plastic Surgery
Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn
Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Brilliant. Wish I’d thought of Chlamidia Marie.
The name Mordecai was on our list, though. Nothing like naming a new life with a word that reminds you of death.
hahahahaha! Thanks, you made my day!
ROFL!! Your ‘advise’ cracks me up! Thankful that you are not my parent but none the less it makes me laugh! You made really have to think if the names I chose would ruin their lives forever! I think they will survive….at least as far as their names go.
chlamydia maria isn’t half bad. It has a nice flow to it. i think definitely sticking to STD names is key. Venereal is the new Vanessa I heard.
@Sandwiched: I’d prefer Mordecai over something just plain awful like Halitosis. (Though I guess you could go by Hal for short, but even “Hal” is a weird name. I mean, come on, “Hal??” It’s like a partial laugh.
@Leanna: The cool thing about parenting advice is that even if you aren’t a parent, you still probably had one. And they probably…had their shortcomings. Everyone can relate to bad parenting!
Sidenote: Traditional names can come back to bite you, too. So sticking with convention doesn’t always mean your kid won’t get bullied. (Don’t believe me? Ask any guy out there named “Gay” or “Dick.”
Very funny post. Where I live, a few years ago these “creative” names were all the rage. The disease names are too funny.
Love it! Finally someone understands where my parents were coming from!!
Great names, although, I thought you might be making fun. Where I come from, I know a couple Typhus’. Also, my second cousin is Aquanet.
My mother in law worked at a daycare, a little girl was named Urine (You-reene).
I interviewd a woman who introduced herself as “Fee” (which I assumed was a shortened version of Fiona) but upon looking at her application, her full name was Fe Male Jones.
My son went to school last year with an Alexus and Alexxus. I thought that was super creative mashing up a real name with the name of a car (bonus points for the extra x!)
You forgot the take a word and spell it backwards thing. Not just Naveah, but I know of an Evoli, too.
But you’re forgotten the part where you name your child
WkdlR123@#$ and insist that it’s pronounced “Tom.”
There was a weirdo lady whose kid took karate with ours for years who had named her daughter “Verneisha” but insisted that it be pronounced “Veronica.” She thought that the unusual spelling made it more interesting and yelled at and humiliated new instructors everytime they “mispronounced” it. Seriously! She never quite got the concept that certain letters made certain sounds. She thought you could just pick and choose how they were pronounced. It was the damndest thing!
after working in the credit industry for the less fortunate in new zealand you realise how original some of them were! i remember receiving an applications for ‘quantum leaps’, ‘solomon solomon’, ‘samoa samoa’ (first and last names) and also ‘mountedenbusstop’ – this was actually his first name and he was conceived at mount eden’s bus stop…..! you have to wonder!
Actually I like unique names, but NOT names like these and I HATE weird spelling (like Madysnne for Madison. It still sounds the same anyway).
My sister is a nurse and had to call a “La-ia” to triage. She thought maybe it was pronounced “Lay-a” or “Lah-i-a” and tried saying those names for several minutes before the young woman figured it out and walked over. She was indignant when my sister asked how she pronounced her name.
It was pronounced “LaDASHia.”
I once knew a girl named Khalydia. Close enough to chlamydia that she was tormented as a child.
Think of the flow of the name too.
I know a girl name Annelise and her last name is Sexton. She was teased badly by her own sister with “anal ease sex toy”
@Lisa
Annelise is a french name , which is pronounced Ann-Liz.
In France we also have many weird names. We used to have a law that forbed them, but it was repealed a few years ago. For example, some people give their kids english names misspelled and mispronounced like Brayanne for Brian; or invented names, brand name (often car names), or even place name: a boy was name Périphérique a couple of years ago, because he was born on the périphérique, Paris’ beltway.
My baby girl will be Porsche Lamborghini and my baby boy Audi Bentley lol well not really, but they are cute names…
Oh, my god. Re: the last line? People really DO get offended if you can’t remember their ridiculous name after one go, or pronounce it at all. I have this problem at work sometimes. I forget her name exactly (…still) but it’s like…Ta-something. With way too many syllables.
I can barely remember names when they’re simple, come the first go. Why on earth would I remember something made up??
Also, I have a friend named Megan, but everyone absolutely insists on trying to spell her name Meagan or Meaghan or other, more complicated varieties, convinced that she cannot simply be “Megan”. I still do not understand this (also, someone once called her name over the announcement system as “Mee – ghan” after perfectly pronouncing much more difficult names. Do they simply think that no proper parent would go with something so easy to say and spell?)
A little girl at a school my mom worked at was called Neon Green. And a lady I worked with named her daughter Kara, which is fine (obviously I don’t mind the name) but their last name is Sell.
Ok I am a teacher and I have had children with very different names…. some of the names are ok on there own but when you combine them with the last names well…. it adds more humor to it: Sandy Beach, Ima June Bugg, Otto Mobeal, Sara and Brock Lee (twins) These are mean parents. When I was married to my ex my last name was White I had so many people tell me to name my child Snow, or Chyna. I had a girl named Wildfire in my class. These are just to name a few.
Our daughter’s grade school is right next door and we can hear the teacher calling the car-riders to come down in the afternoons. There’s an Armani, a Mercedes, a Chanel and a few more ridiculous names like that, reflecting the parents’ shallowness and materialism. There are also a Taylor, Tyler, Kyle, Kylie, and Skylar. Names like that make me want to puke. Whatever happened to masculine and feminine? If your child was a hermaphrodite, ok, give it a name that could go both ways. Don’t set your kid up for gender confusion. He or she has to live their whole life with that name, unless they wise up at 18 and get it changed. Remember that couple that wanted to name their son 4Real? BTW my children are Lisa, 10 and Vaughn, 2.