Get ready for people to marvel at your ingenuity if you give your kid a weird name.
You need to make a bold statement with your newborn baby’s name. And that statement, down to its very essence, should be that you don’t care all that much about your child’s future prospects for friends, dating, college admission, or avoiding public humiliation in general.
Really, you just want to show how undeniably hip you are. And there is no greater testament to your hipness than branding your child with an unconventional name.
So forget about baby-name books, genealogical web sites, and family almanacs—these are the tools of your neighbors and friends who name their kids Joshua, Laura, Brandon, and Ashley. Yes, these are yawningly predictable.
This is not you.
You are creative. You are original. You are a trendsetter. Indeed, you possess the type of baby-naming attitude that will put your kid on the map, and so will these ideas:
Name your kid after famous diseases.
Tired of hearing the names of presidents, actors, and athletes foisted on kids? Anyone can name his kid after someone famous. But only the truly original will think to bestow the names of infamous diseases and afflictions on their children. Imagine how cool your friends will think you are when you introduce them to little “Chlamydia Marie,” your chubby-cheeked pride and joy. And imagine the jealousy you’ll inspire when you tell folks back at the office, “I’ll never forget the day when my husband and I brought Scurvy home from the hospital. I’m still glowing.” And your neighbors will be wowed by your creativity when you call young Herpes in from playing with his friends (“Herpes, you can’t hide from me! I see you there!”)
(Expert tip: When selecting a disease namesake, you’ll want to steer clear of the mundane Lou Gehrig-type inflictions and instead opt for standouts like “Typhus,” “Jaundice,” and “Gonorrhea.”)
Choose a name from common household items.
If Gwyneth Paltrow and artsy-fartsy Chris Martin can name their child Apple, than so can you. But why stop there? Simply look around your house for inspiration. Want to get all classy? How about “Ottoman,” “Armoire,” or “Chandelier”? Or maybe you’re going for the earthy, organic-sounding moniker, in which case you might consider “Potpourri” or, one of our favorites, “Stain.”
If your newborn baby just kind of lies there unblinking and slothful, just name him “Doormat.” Soon enough, everyone else will...
Or, if you’re looking to convey your child’s future sense of reliability and sturdiness, consider “Desk,” Chair” or “Table.” These names conjure up images in the American psyche. They convey intangible virtues like “reliability” and “sturdiness” that will sure to be associated with your kid when he or she answers the roll call in elementary school and beyond.
If all else fails, just make something up.
It doesn’t even have to make sense. Or be pronounceable. And please be sure to teach your child to be offended when friends, schoolteachers and strangers fail to pronounce it on the first attempt.
Rule #66: Ban Kids From Your Lawn
Rule #65: Put Your Kid in Timeout at an Orphanage
Rule #64: Send Your Kid to Mafia Training Camp
Rule #63: Lie to Your Child About How Important You Are
Rule #62: Tattoo Your Kids With Reckless Abandon
Rule #61: Discourage Most Forms of Reading
Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch
Rule #59: Vacation in a Third World Country
Rule #58: Admit Your Baby Isn’t Cute
Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Brilliant. Wish I’d thought of Chlamidia Marie.
The name Mordecai was on our list, though. Nothing like naming a new life with a word that reminds you of death.
hahahahaha! Thanks, you made my day!
ROFL!! Your ‘advise’ cracks me up! Thankful that you are not my parent but none the less it makes me laugh! You made really have to think if the names I chose would ruin their lives forever! I think they will survive….at least as far as their names go.
chlamydia maria isn’t half bad. It has a nice flow to it. i think definitely sticking to STD names is key. Venereal is the new Vanessa I heard.
@Sandwiched: I’d prefer Mordecai over something just plain awful like Halitosis. (Though I guess you could go by Hal for short, but even “Hal” is a weird name. I mean, come on, “Hal??” It’s like a partial laugh.
@Leanna: The cool thing about parenting advice is that even if you aren’t a parent, you still probably had one. And they probably…had their shortcomings. Everyone can relate to bad parenting!
Sidenote: Traditional names can come back to bite you, too. So sticking with convention doesn’t always mean your kid won’t get bullied. (Don’t believe me? Ask any guy out there named “Gay” or “Dick.”
Very funny post. Where I live, a few years ago these “creative” names were all the rage. The disease names are too funny.
Love it! Finally someone understands where my parents were coming from!!
Great names, although, I thought you might be making fun. Where I come from, I know a couple Typhus’. Also, my second cousin is Aquanet.
My mother in law worked at a daycare, a little girl was named Urine (You-reene).
I interviewd a woman who introduced herself as “Fee” (which I assumed was a shortened version of Fiona) but upon looking at her application, her full name was Fe Male Jones.
My son went to school last year with an Alexus and Alexxus. I thought that was super creative mashing up a real name with the name of a car (bonus points for the extra x!)
You forgot the take a word and spell it backwards thing. Not just Naveah, but I know of an Evoli, too.
But you’re forgotten the part where you name your child
WkdlR123@#$ and insist that it’s pronounced “Tom.”
There was a weirdo lady whose kid took karate with ours for years who had named her daughter “Verneisha” but insisted that it be pronounced “Veronica.” She thought that the unusual spelling made it more interesting and yelled at and humiliated new instructors everytime they “mispronounced” it. Seriously! She never quite got the concept that certain letters made certain sounds. She thought you could just pick and choose how they were pronounced. It was the damndest thing!
after working in the credit industry for the less fortunate in new zealand you realise how original some of them were! i remember receiving an applications for ‘quantum leaps’, ’solomon solomon’, ’samoa samoa’ (first and last names) and also ‘mountedenbusstop’ – this was actually his first name and he was conceived at mount eden’s bus stop…..! you have to wonder!