Rule #28: Practice Random Nudity

By the time your children turn 8, their worst fear is seeing you naked.

In fact, they would rather see you in prison than see your exposed, special parts—which could trigger night terrors that could last well into adulthood.

That’s a reasonable assumption, given the mottled flesh you tote around. But you’re extremely proud of and comfortable with your body, and there’s no good reason why the rest of the world—or at least your immediate family—shouldn’t relish it, too.

While you’re not all that relaxed sharing emotions with your children, you’re absolutely fine baring parts of yourself that should be covered by yards of heavy, plastic-lined fabric.

You learned in college that being indiscriminately nude, especially when you have no good reason to be, builds a kind of lazy confidence. That’s exactly what you want for your children. By seeing you naked, they’ll also learn that life is unpredictable, incredibly embarrassing, and forever yielding sights that are better left in the pages of National Geographic or the New England Journal of Medicine.

Hey, It’s Only Natural

Americans are entirely too uptight about matters of the flesh. This is your opportunity as a carefree nudist to help your family refocus on “what’s really important in life”—especially in these instances:

When holding pointless conversations with strangers in public places…

You’ve just finished showering at the neighborhood gym, and your kids are in tow. Don’t bother going back to the privacy of your locker and toweling off discretely. Your kids—especially pre-teens—will love it when you dry yourself off in the locker room’s main traffic area, one leg propped up on a bench to air out “your boys,” and hold an hour-long conversation with a stranger about radial tires. You’ll score bonus points for coolness with your children if you blow-dry your nethers in front of the mirror.

When you wander from the shower at home…

You’re into looking good all the time, and hair conditioner helps—so when there’s none in the shower, you instinctively go on a naked prowl to hunt some down. If you run into one of your kids in the hallway and she doesn’t run away shrieking, break the awkward tension by making a game of it. Say something like, “Hey, Heather, I’m going to do some jumping jacks—bet you can’t count the number of moles on my body!” Kids will respect and eventually mimic your confidence—and they’ll love the challenge of sprucing up their math skills.

When the pool water feels pretty damn good…

Hey, it’s your pool, and it’s in YOUR back yard, so why shouldn’t you be able to lose the laundry and swim a few laps with your unencumbered rudder? And so what if your kids’ friends are there—it’s 7 o’clock on Saturday night, for crying out loud—shouldn’t they be home in bed or something? And so what if you’ve had a few beers. And so what if you can’t find your towel. And so what if the only artificial loincloth you can find is a Schlitz tall boy. And so what if someone calls the cops because you’re naked—remember, you’re carefree, and you’re trying to focus—really hard—on what’s important in life.

The only problem, of course, is that everyone thinks it’s really important in life to keep you from taking your clothes off.

Tagged as: scaring your kid shitless, scarring children's memories