Rule #40: Keep Your Kid in a Helmet 24/7

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

Paranoia is incredibly underrated, especially when it comes to protecting your clumsy-ass children.

And there’s no better body part to be paranoid about than a kid’s melon, which is soft and fleshy and ripe for all manner of fatal injuries, no matter how far-fetched they may be.

Clearly, your child’s precious head needs safeguarding with an industrial-strength helmet, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Sure, your efforts might embarrass your children and contribute to their social status as fruity pariahs, but we figure it’s better than a plastic bubble—or worse—a lifetime of pain and physical suffering.

Danger Lurks Everywhere

Helmets just aren’t for skateboarding, biking and the athletic kids any longer. Indeed, thousands of well-intentioned parents are cradling their kids’ craniums in hard plastic for treacherous activities, including…

Going to Church

No church or denomination is safe—think about the number of weak-kneed folks who faint in church due to stagnant air caused by church-lady perfume or Sunday-eggs-and-sausage-laced flatulence. When said parties fall on your child, he might be bruised and suffer from night terrors for a few years, but his head will be unscathed.

On the Playground at School

Freeze tag and hopscotch are the scourges of most American playgrounds. If the local school districts aren’t going to ban these incredibly dangerous pastimes, you can certainly do something about it: Make sure his teacher fastens and secures a helmet on your child every day during recess.

Naturally, his classmates (and even the teacher) may toss pebbles off of his helmet and refer to him as the “gay Prince Valiant” for kicks, but you’ll know that young Bobby is safe from sticks and especially stones, and that names will never hurt him…physically.

To Bed

Bedtime will be awkward at first, but at least they'll never die from sleepwalking.

Despite the triple layer of goose-down pillows, padded guardrails and countless stuffed animals you’ve used to prevent any nocturnal mishaps, sleeping quarters—otherwise known as the bedroom—still aren’t safe places.

A fall of just inches could devastate his head, and a bout of sleepwalking, complete with wall collisions or agitated door humping, could render your child senseless or, worse, a headless, mangled pulp.

You’re better off just outfitting him with a $200 helmet with a heavy plastic visor so he can dream about the humiliation he’ll face the next day—and for the rest of his life with you.

Tagged as: embarrassing your child, scarring children's memories