Rule #49: Steal Your Kid’s Money

His piggy bank sits there, pregnant with quarters and tightly folded dollars bills and an occasional 5 spot.

And, truth is, this big ceramic piece of money-saving goodness kind of mocks you.

It says: Look at how Little Daniel is earnestly stowing away money every day, and look at how it accumulates nicely. And you? Your savings account is a barren womb of financial disappointment.

You have no cash these days, and your credit card has become a plastic whore of convenience who lays down any time you’d like.

That’s why swiping your child’s piggy bank cash—just to have a little walking-around money—is important to your social status and the engine that drives our great economy.

Steal a Buck, Teach a Child

Pilfering your child’s money while he sleeps is easy—but it doesn’t teach him valuable “life lessons,” which you need to impart so that he’ll always be financially wary of strangers, friends and, perhaps most important, loved ones.

With this in mind, drain your child’s piggy bank via these techniques:

Confuse with trickery

For children who haven’t learned to count or who are simply idiots when it comes to currency values, take advantage of their shortcomings by “trading” currency of lesser value for bigger bucks.

When dealing with your 4 year old, say something like, “Boy, Brendan, you sure have lots of money in Mr. Piggy. Oh, I see you have that ugly, crinkly bill with the 5-0 written on it that grandma gave you for your birthday. It sure is ugly, though—and it smells like mold. I’ll do you a favor: I’ll give you this shiny quarter if you give me that ugly, crinkly piece of paper. I hate to trade my shiny quarter, but I’ll do it because I really, really love you.”

Bet on random shit

Kids love to compete, and they really love to “bet” on things like how long they can hold their breath or cross their eyes. Which is your opportunity to swipe your child’s money by upping the ante on new forms of betting.

Offer this “learning opportunity”: “Sara, see this cute little cup? It’s called a shot glass. I’ll bet you all the dollar bills you have in your piggy bank that you can’t drink all of this Jack Daniels without spitting it out.”

Naturally, Sara will deposit the shot of JD on floor in a firestorm of rotgut disgust for both the product and you. Chances are she won’t drink again (life lesson # 1), bet on anything that involves her cash (life lesson #2), or trust family members who use kindly, persuasive voices when discussing money (life lesson #3).

And if she actually does stomach the first JD shot, calmly bet double or nothing.

Tagged as: getting the most out of your kid, tricking kids