Rule #8: Bond With Your Kids Over Cigarettes and Alcohol

Booze and cigarettes makes bonding with children easy. (See above)

Every child wants to feel useful. And every parent wants to put his or her child’s fledgling motor skills to good use (and prove that there was, after all, a point to producing offspring). There’s no better place to match these objectives than by having your young children help you perpetuate and fully enjoy your vices. That’s why it’s important that you have them light your smokes and pour your beer.

Showing your child that he can make a difference at a young age is crucial to developing self-esteem and a sense of pride. And allowing your child to light your cigarettes and fetch your beer not only hastens this development, but it also starts your father-son (or mother-daughter) relationship on the right foot.

Think about it: you can simultaneously put your child to good use, build their self-esteem, strengthen your relationship, set a rock-solid example for your kids and still not miss a second of your nightly “Love Boat” reruns.

It’s Like Hunting, But More Exciting Because of the Cancer Risk

People who use guns to shoot things—deer, waterfowl, stop signs—have always taught children the correct way to operate weapons. Safety is the watchword, which makes the sport fun for everyone. The same mindset applies when allowing your child to light your Camel or pop and pour a Budweiser. If the safety training is done right, the rewards for both you and your child are unlimited.

Our safety guidelines below assume that any 5-year-old child with a reasonably firm grip can use a lighter or a bottle opener. We’ve even seen some technically advanced children in Appalachia roll their parents’ homemade cigarettes (fine-motor skills really pay off here) and, for a few intrepid and big-boned kids, tap beer kegs. Granted, these were pony kegs, but we were still impressed. Bottom line: Don’t underestimate what your children can accomplish, remind them that, if they put their minds to it, there’s nothing in this world they can’t do.

6 Safety-Training Guidelines

Smoking
Opening the Cancer Sticks. Although some old-school parents allow kids to open the plastic wrap on cigarettes with expensive steak knives or razor blade, we frown on this practice as being slightly to somewhat dangerous to children under the age of 5. Instead, we recommend that children open each pack with their teeth—a fulfilling way to grind out frustration and develop baby incisors.

Allow your child to puff your cigarettes. The Surgeon General recommends no more than three drags a day.

Getting a Nicotine Fix. Children should never inhale unfiltered cigarettes. However, filtered cigarettes, especially menthol, are fine—just keep it to three drags a day, according to senior health officials in several Third World and former Eastern Bloc countries (these authorities also note that a child’s growth is stunted only slightly).

Lighting Up the Night. Young children should steer clear of messy and dangerous matches; instead, they should use lighters to ignite your smokes. (Lighters should be scattered throughout the house for easy access, including under bedroom pillows, in toy closets, and perhaps even used as bookmarks in your child’s favorite books.)

Handing Over the Goods. Children should hand you a lit smoke in one fluid motion—the cigarette should be pinched between their thumb and forefinger—with the filter toward you, much like a runner would pass along a baton in a relay race.

Boozing
Getting Their Pour On. It’s important to teach children to pour responsibly—your child should never allow the edge of a beer bottle or can to stray from the mouth of a glass and spill onto the floor, causing him to slip, lose his grip on the glass, and tragically waste a beverage.

Tell your children early that people who bogart beer are people without friends.

Over-Sipping Is a No-No. “Bogarting” a beer (the act of nursing another’s brew far too long) is something that should be stamped out and discouraged at an early age. Set clear guidelines for children after they’ve poured your beer into a glass: They may take two small sips and no more. It may seem unfair, but you’re doing your child a favor: Bogarting later in life leads to lost friendships and a feeling of barroom abandonment.

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