Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers

Dentists are always trying to tell you that every child’s mouth is different.

They’ll blather on about overbites and under-bites and pie-holes that are too big or too small.

But, really, a mouth’s a mouth—and this happens to be your third child’s mouth, so it really makes no sense why you should have to pay thousands of dollars for your 12-year-old son’s mouth of bent metal when your 14-year-old daughter just had her braces taken off.

So, how do you explain this delicately to your child, who is already not all that thrilled about becoming a metal mouth?

Sit up straight and listen, good people who whimsically follow fashionable trends even though you don’t even remotely believe in them: Play the I’m-doing-it-for-the-good-of-the-environment card.

Why the hell not? People have used the environment for crappier reasons lately, such as buying smaller cars, low-flush toilets and only having sex in the dark.

You’re recycling. It’s virtuous. It’s fun.

And your kid isn’t buying it.

So you’ll say something like: “Jason, look, I know the retainer seems too big. But you’ll grow into it.”

And Jason will probably say: “How do I grow into a retainer?”

Which you’ll ignore by changing the subject to fishing.

And Jason will probably say: “I hate fishing. And what about these braces? They’re too loose. They’re just hanging like metal cobwebs on my teeth. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. It’s horrible, dad. We didn’t even get a dentist to put them on. No offense, dad, but I don’t think your friend did a good job.”

Which you’ll deny, then say: “Jason, my friend Pete is registered with the state as a licensed electrician. He wires shit all the time. So, lacing the used wire to the teeth in your mouth was no big deal to him, provided I buy him Cuban cigars and several lottery tickets. Besides, you’ll grow into them.”

And Jason will probably say: “But dad—I…”

Which you’ll interrupt by reminding him: “Jason, remember that time you were all dead-set against wearing your big sister’s underwear? And what happened? That’s right, you grew into them.”

Tagged as: dignity is cheaper than cash, embarrassing your child